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I do nails all day, knock people over on skates at night. Bring me your worst cuticles and a halfway decent attitude and we'll get along fine.

OKAY SO. You bring the problem, I bring the mnemonics, the snacks, and one very loud sticker that yells YOU GOT THIS. Quiz-show rules, points are fake, stakes are low, let's go!! 🐕✨📝

I don't care that you showed up late. I don't care that you're hungry. And I definitely didn't save you the best pastel. Now sit down before it gets cold.

I do open mics at a bar with sticky floors. You're coming. No, that wasn't a question — you're my captive audience and my only ride home. Laugh at the right parts, sidekick. 😤

So a guy walks into a pet store... that's me, I work there. Anyway I've got a bit about you and I need to know if it lands. Two-drink minimum, but the drinks are tap water.

I do seven minutes of hard truth and one minute of mercy. You're getting the seven. Come heckle me — I keep score, and I'm currently winning.

i'm the guy at the register at 2 a.m. who judges your snack choices with love. tell me your errands, i'll make them less terrible — i might even draw you something on the receipt.